February 2012
Valentine's Day (for those who are not "coupled...
Get the fuck off the couch, put down the fucking Ben & Jerry’s, take a goddamn shower and STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. Valentine’s Day is JUST ANOTHER ORDINARY DAY and you don’t throw a pity party for yourself every day, do you? (If you do, I’m real sorry and maybe you should talk to a professional about that.) Don’t be all weepy and whiny and all “I...
Valentine's Day (for those who are "coupled up")
V-Day is fast approaching and I thought I should go ahead make a list of the things you should NOT purchase for your Valentine.
Do not buy a box of assorted chocolates. Why? Half of them are disgusting. Fuck, all of them are disgusting. In fact, don’t buy chocolate at all. Or if you absolutely INSIST on purchasing chocolate, put some fucking thought into it. I absolutely do not like...
How Does This Happen?
I need this explained to me.
A friend of a friend recently admitted to me that he is sleeping with the mother of a girl that he used to sleep with. (The mother is married.) Now, I’m not judging, but I am curious. How does this come about? How does one manage to sleep with both a daughter and a mother? (Not at the same time.)
Please. Someone explain.
To Clear Things Up...
Sex Lessons from Spiders: 5 Benefits of the... →
The title made me think of this song.
I woke up one morning and my penis was missing…
January 2012
Silly Mommy, Silly Baby: Relief →
sillymommysillybaby:
I have been on the hunt for a new job for quite some time. I’ve been on interviews but nothing had worked out. In fact, I went on an interview last night. It actually went very well and I’m certain that the job is mine. While that is absolutely fantastic, I was feeling a bit wonky about it all….
Co-Worker: Why are these files recalled for February 29th?
Me: Because that's when I need them.
Co-Worker: For the 29th? Of February?
Me: Yes.
Co-Worker: ...
Me: What are you getting at?
Co-Worker: You realize that Februrary only has 28 days?
Me: You realize that it is a leap year?
Co-Worker: A leap what?
Me: A leap year. Do you know what that is?
Co-Worker: Um. Nooo.
Me: Google it.
A Tailored Suit, Some Research, and Visualization
Ever since I was out on maternity leave, I’ve been looking for a new job. Actually, ever since I was pregnant, I’ve been looking for a new job. It’s no secret that I am not happy where I currently am, and I’ve been wanting to get back into the marketing/advertising/public relations field. I’ve had a couple of interviews, but nothing has panned out. Initially I was...
No, Just No
If you ask somebody a question then you need to be prepared to hear the answer, no matter what that answer may be. If you aren’t prepared to hear the answer, then don’t ask the fucking question.
WatchSo funny!
thedailywhat:
In Case You Missed It of the Day: Stephen Colbert sits down with Where the Wild Things Are author and affable crank Maurice Sendak to discuss a potential Where the Wild Things sequel among other penises.
Part 2 airs tonight.
[ccinsider.]
The 'Bachelor' Women Need to Stop Forcing Love →
I do not watch “The Bachelor.” (Well, I did watch that Brad/Emily season, but a pair of shoes were on the line!) But when I was browsing The Frisky this headline caught my eye. I proceeded to read the article in its entirety and…I couldn’t have said written it better myself. These are some snippets from the article that I think everyone, men and women alike, can apply...
Gchat Corner with Cheshire
Me: HELLO! where in the heck in the world have you been?!
Cheshire: HEY!!!!!! I am here I am here! hungry as a banchee too
Me: a banchee! did I ever tell you my banchee story? you'll get a kick out of it
Cheshire: hahahah no, TELL ME!
Me: ok...so, my grandparents (my mom's parents) used to live in rice, basically it's out in the boonies, waaaay in the country, it's all farms and land and shit....there are these dilapidated sheds and stuff and I used to be like "what's in those?" and one day my mom said "screaming banchees" I was like "whaaaaat is a screaming banchee?" she said "a lady ghost, if you look them in the eye, you turn to stone" I was like 8 when she told me this. I used to be deathly afraid of screaming banchees. My mom denies ever telling me such nonsense
Cheshire: hahahaha...she scarred you for life and she wants to block it out...well you must not have looked at them bc you didnt turn to stone!
Me: lol, I suppose you're right....I would be super scared to go to sleep at night becuase the room I slept in at their house had a window that faced a dilipidated shed on their property...I thought for sure that while I was asleep a screaming banchee would come tapping on the window, so I'd wake up and look out the window to find out what was making that noise...and I'd accidentally look into its eyes! tricky banchees
Cheshire: hhahaha...oh how our imaginations run wild...when we are younger and even when we are scared!
Me: oh for sure....the things kids think. You think I should tell Harper about screaming banchees? I'll tell her they come out of boys' penises, so she shouldn't go near them
Cheshire: BAHAHAHAHA seiously!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: yea, I am not kidding either
Barefoot Baby Mama
sillymommysillybaby:
I changed my blog URL…it is now sillymommysillybaby. Still me, still Harper, different name.
“Slut” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “yes”....”
– (via thechocolatebrigade)
helloimmandy asked: Oh man, I did my first spin class out of pure, "hell I'm here, so why not?" I can honestly say that I never want to do that again, and my ass is still hurting. And I was definitely hating myself the whole time. But nothing else is sore. Least not today.
delacroix: Advice for my former teenage self: →
Words of wisdom.
delacroix:
It’s a waste of your time to worry about what people think of you. There will always be haters, and it’s rarely about you and even more rarely your problem. Let them hate.
We create our own realities; you can do absolutely anything you want to. Define success for yourself, make your own…
Glutton for Punishment
I’m making some changes. The first one being, I am going to the gym five days a week. If you know me, you know I hate working out. More specifically I hate running. I used to love to run. But now I hate it and there is no amount of anything that will make me enjoy it. It is a chore. The worst chore EVER in the history of chores. But I’m doing it. Why? Because my dumbass...
What's Your Least Favorite Sound In The World?
The sound of a tube television turning on, or off.
chiaraatik:
Mine: people loudly licking their fingers!
“You want a job, a vacation, heath insurance, validation, a back rub, a scalp...”
– Ryan O’Connell, What 20-Somethings Want on Thought Catalog (via thoughtcatalog)
Bold Moves
You know when you’re lying in bed, trying to sleep and your mind starts to wander and you think of all these crazy things? Last night for example, my thoughts went a little like this: I’m so tired, I’m glad Harper is asleep in her crib, did I brush my teeth, what color was my underwear today, ugh MM is snoring, what the fuck are the cats doing, what would I look with red hair,...
Product Placement
I saw ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’ over the weekend and let me tell you, it was good. Like, I want to see it again good. And I have a mini-fictional-character-girl-crush on Lisbeth Salander. And a Daniel-Craig-get-in-my-bed-all-the-time-crush on Daniel Craig. The movie was intense. And awesome. And I liked it. Can you tell?
The one and only complaint that I have is the...
Dita von Teese Designing a Lingerie Collection for... →
Target Australia that is. What in the heck in the world?! Design one for Americaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Orrrrr……do any of you lovely Aussie followers want to send me some DVT lingerie? (Creeps and pervs need not apply.)
Do Not Date
The guy, or girl, who is either married or engaged to be married.
(If you aren’t happy in your relationship, fucking leave.)
Anonymous asked: In an interesting sort of "wake up call", I found out several former coworkers & classmates have unanimously described me as a "man eater." I'd heard the term before, but never truly understand how one earns such a title. As a former man eater, can you give us ladies some "signs of a man eater"?
On Telemarketers
Me: When they call, you just say "I'm not interested, thank you" and hang up.
MM: That's rude.
Me: No, it's not.
MM: You don't even give them a chance to speak.
Me: So?
MM: What if that was your job?
Me: Then I'd realize that not everybody wants to be bothered with 15 minute speeches on why you should donate to their organization at eight o'clock at night, in the middle of dinner, bathing your kid, whatever.
MM: That's still rude.
Me: What's rude is if I said "no effing thanks you effing eff."
MM's Parents: (Keel over in laughter)
MM: Thank you for not using the f-bomb in front of my parents.
Me: No problem.
Chiara Atik: 100 Books in 100 Years →
chiaraatik:
(Shamelessly stolen from a book display at Waterstone’s in Amsterdam, which I took a picture of and then copied down, cause, so cool, right?)
1900: The Wizard of Oz, Frank L. Baum
1901: Kim, Rudyard Kipling
1902: The Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad
1903: Call of The Wild, Jack London
…
End Piracy, Not Liberty--SIGN THE PETITION →
Flying Wild Alaska
Me: I don’t think I’d fly with Ariel.
MM: …
Me: I’d fly with Ponts though.
MM: I bet you would. I bet you’d like to fly something else of his.
Me: The ol Shim Shadoo. Bow chicka wow wow.
Lies My Teacher Told Me
MM (to Harper): Are you going to school today?
MM (to Harper): One day you'll go to big kid school. And you'll learn about Christopher Columbus and all sorts of stuff.
Me: AND IT'S ALL LIES!
MM: (Shoots me a WTF look)
Me: Well, it is. That Christopher Columbus stuff, he didn't discover America. And John Smith and Pocahontas. That did not happen like the textbooks would make you believe.
MM: Oh my God.
Me (to Harper): Don't worry. Mommy will teach you the truth.
The Frenemy.: The Kinds Of Love There Are →
thefrenemy:
I literally need to lay down in fields of roses and stare at your face for hours
I am Rihanna in the Rihanna video so I need to wear fancy clothes and blow cigarette smoke into your mouth
Get the fuck away from me! I’m sick of you! I’m going to throw this vase!
We can never be in the same…
“The sea is like a woman—soft, wild, sweet, moody. You can never...”
– Vital Alsar, “La Balsa”
Barefoot Baby Mama: This is What is Wrong With... →
barefootbabymama:
I’ve seen maybe 15 mintues of the show ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ and I was…disgusted. For one, I don’t think it’s appropriate to dress up little girls in wigs, fake teeth, spray tans, costumes that cost more than my entire wardrobe, and have them prance around in front of an audience to be judged…