Valentine’s Day (for those who are “coupled up”)

V-Day is fast approaching and I thought I should go ahead make a list of the things you should NOT purchase for your Valentine.

  • Do not buy a box of assorted chocolates. Why? Half of them are disgusting. Fuck, all of them are disgusting. In fact, don’t buy chocolate at all. Or if you absolutely INSIST on purchasing chocolate, put some fucking thought into it. I absolutely do not like like dark chocolate. Or white chocolate. If you buy either one of these for me, they will go to waste. And there are starving kids in Africa! I also do not like Lindor or Ferroro Rocher or however you spell it. Again, these will go to waste. THINK OF THE STARVING KIDS!
  • Do not buy red roses. They are overrated. If you want to get her some flowers, get her some of her favorite flowers. (If her favorite flowers are red roses, FINE, buy them. Ugh.) If she likes fuckin’ weeds, get her some fuckin’ weeds. Put some thought it into, man…or woman.
  • Do not buy her a stuffed animal. What are you, 12? What the fuck is she going to do with a goddamn stuffed animal? Put it on her bed and squeeze it tight when you’re not there bccause it’ll remind her of you? No, it won’t remind her of you. It will remind of her being 12 years old and cuddling a damn teddy bear.
  • Do not take her to a chain restaurant for dinner. No Applebees, no Ruby Tuesday, no Cheeseburger in Paradise, and ABSOLUTELY NO Olive Garden. I don’t care if one, or all, of these are her favorite place to eat. Take her somewhere original! And goddamnit, splurge on a NICE bottle of wine, or if she/you are liquor drinkers, DO NOT SETTLE FOR RAIL. She wants a gin and tonic? She’s getting a Bombay and tonic. (Is Bombay even a good gin? I don’t know, I don’t drink gin. It smells like pine trees.) She wants steak and a lobster tail even though you know she’s only going to eat half of her steak and a bite of the lobster tail? GET OVER IT AND LET HER ORDER WHAT THE FUCK SHE WANTS!
  • Do not buy her lingerie. Unless that shit is from La Perla or Agent Provocateur or somewhere high-end. Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s are NOT high-end lingerie shops. I can buy my own self five pairs of panties for $30. What I cannot, or will not, buy myself is a $700 bustier. (Ok, you shouldn’t buy her a $700 pair of knickers either, but you get my point…maybe? Just don’t go buying her a $25 bra from Victoria’s Secret’s PINK line.)

You know what girls love more than anything else? When you listen to them, when you pay attention to them, when you put some thought into whatever it is that you’re doing.

  • If she likes loves is obsessed with a particular band and theyjustsohappen to be going on tour, get her tickets to the show! If they are not on tour, or are not visiting anywhere near your city, get her their new album, or one of their t-shirts, or some kind of memorbelia.
  • Get her an iTunes giftcard so she can purchase the music that she likes. I know giftcards aren’t fun to open, but they are more thoughtful than a stuffed animal.
  • Make her a card. Write her a song. Write her a poem. Write her a letter. And when I say write it, I actually mean WRITE, not type, and certainly not text. Who cares if you have shitty handwriting? She won’t pay attention to that. What she will pay attention to is that you took the time to sit down and write something out, that you made her something, that you THOUGHT about it and didn’t do something generic.
  • Has she been eyeing a particular pair of shoes? A bag? A top? A bottle of perfume? Oh, she has? Fuckin’ buy it for her. And giftwrap that shit. DO IT YOURSELF. She will not care that you cannot tie a bow or that the wrapping is a damn mess. She will care that you TOOK THE TIME TO DO IT YOURSELF.
  • Does she go to the gym? Does she practice yoga at a particular studio? Is she a runner? Get her another membership at her gym, pay for her next yoga class, buy her a new sports bra, or a new pair of running shorts, or pants, or what.ever. (If she reads into this and thinks that this gift means you think she’s fat, then she’s an idiot and immature. I’d fucking love it if MM bought me a new sports bra, or paid for another month at the Y! Shiiiit, that means I don’t have to pay for it myself!)
  • Make a nice dinner for the two of you. Plan a menu, tell her to dress up, set the table all nice, put on some sexy music, light some candles, and chow down on the amazing meal you MADE YOURSELF.

My point here is this: put some thought into it. Don’t rely on the generic, overplayed shit that everyotherdouchebag is doing. Be original.