Valentine’s Day (for those who are not “coupled up”)
Get the fuck off the couch, put down the fucking Ben & Jerry’s, take a goddamn shower and STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. Valentine’s Day is JUST ANOTHER ORDINARY DAY and you don’t throw a pity party for yourself every day, do you? (If you do, I’m real sorry and maybe you should talk to a professional about that.) Don’t be all weepy and whiny and all “I don’t have a booooyyyyfriiiiiend, nobody liiiiikes me, wah wah wah I’m siiiiiingle.” Ok, you’re allowed to be like that for five minutes, but no longer or you’ll drive me crazy and I’ll threaten to knock some sense into you.
Instead of focusing on all those happyinlovemakemewanttovomit couples, focus on yourself, bia. Go get your nails did, or your hairs did. Dance around the house in your underoos to some one-hit wonder that you’re embarrassed to tell anyone you actually like, but fuck, this is your time to shine, girl. Go out with your girlfriends, or your boyguyfriends. And don’t tell me that aaaalll your friends are in relationshiiiips because I guarandamntee you that you’ve got at least one friend that’s single. AT LEAST. Get drunk. Smoke some weed. Have a one night stand. Fuckin’ masterbate and fantasize about the fuckin’ UPS guy and have the best damn orgasm of your life!
Or, sit at home, on your couch, watching Bridget Jones’s Diary, while eating an entire box of Samoas, drinking cheap wine that’s all salted up from your tears, and have yourself a pity party. But don’t fuckin’ whine about it, because you’re the only one who can change the way you view this overrated-Hallmark holiday. And I’m tired of fucking hearing about it.
